


tommyinnit your ass is grass

by uhohcanteen



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Friendship, Texting, chat fic, groupchat, obligatory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29346543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhohcanteen/pseuds/uhohcanteen
Summary: tommy: i’ll wipe the floor with your weeping body tubbotubbo: i’ll force feed you axe deodorant————————-i think chat fics have kind of become my legacy on ao3. godbless
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), tommyinnit & wilbur soot & technoblade & tubbo & ranboo
Comments: 12
Kudos: 130





	1. rattles in my cage

February 3rd, 2021 9:43 a.m.

_**techno** added ranboo and 3 others to the conversation._

—————————-

**techno** : tommyinnit if you run into my house one more time with muddy shoes on your ass is grass and i’m the lawnmower

**tommy** : heyy i’m just a little guy. i’m a tiny little guy heyy look at that haha. it’s my birthday today too. it’s my birthday!! i’m a little birthday boyy aha you wouldn’t scalp a tiny guy on his birthday would you ?

**wilbur** : true. it is his birthday today. just show a little restraint won’t you brother? just this once..

**tommy** : yes, please do.

**tommy** : restraint.

**tubbo** : restraint.

**ranboo** : maybe restraint can be our always

**tubbo** : HAHAHAHAHA

**tubbo** : restraint? restraint.

**tommy** : what’s up everyone welcome back to a new video today i am having an allergic reaction to my face wash

**ranboo** : YEAHHH NEW VIDEO POG!!

**ranboo** : wait no not yeah pog to you having an allergic reaction

**tubbo** : you good tommy ??

**tommy** : no i’m fine the allergic reaction was not that bad and went down after i took off the mask

**ranboo** : well that’s good at least

**tubbo** : ^^

**tubbo** : okay i am so sorry but i keep thinking about this photo ranboo sent me once captioned ‘lollipop UNDER the mask  😦 ’ and now puffy is probably going to kill me for being awake

**tommy** : nooo ahahaha puffy don’t kill tubbzo you’re so epic poggers ahahahahaha

**ranboo** : is it because i am god himself (real)

**wilbur** : hoooly shit. can’t believe ranboo is god in the real

**ranboo** : you better start soon

**techno** : or what

**ranboo** : i think you know.

**techno** : fair enough. praise ranboo, leader of grug and humanity i guess

**wilbur** : GRUG

**tommy** : GRUG

**tubbo** : GUEG

**wilbur** : you tried and that’s what matters

**tubbo** : thabk you wilbur

**tubbo** : as to ranboo’s question....

**tubbo** : hmmmmm

**tubbo** : i think if there were still an alive god perhaps you may be him

**ranboo** : dang. shouldn’t have killed him in 2014.

**tommy** : ah. 2014. what the fuck happened in 2014 i don’t know any major events that happened in 2014

**tubbo** : the death of christ

**ranboo** : ebola reached its peak

**tubbo** : oh

**techno** : wait wasn’t 2014 the year isis started rising to power 

**ranboo** : yeah i’m pretty sure

**ranboo** : i think robin williams died in 2014

**wilbur** : yeah he did

**tubbo** : L

**tommy** : don’t just fucking say L tubbo robin williams was a god amongst men and the only man ever actually

**ranboo** : wait

**ranboo** : tubbo.

**tubbo** : aha heyy

**wilbur** : you cannot hey bestie your way out of this one tubbo underscore

**ranboo** : tubbo did you KILL ROBIN WILLIAMS?

**tubbo** : listen buddy i did what i had to do

**wilbur** : *i duckinf hatw you voice* you say i’m a GOD,

**ranboo** : -robin williams in his final moments

**techno** : you say i’m a god but i know i’m not so why do i feel li [GUNSHOTS] 

**wilbur** : tubbo: why would someone do this

**tubbo** : wait are those the lyrics ? 

**tommy** : yeah???

**tubbo** : oh my god dude i just heard the god part and was like cool that’s enough decrypting for today

**ranboo** : tubbo: god

tubbo: okay that’s enough deciphering for today i think

**tubbo** : i literally could only hear “god” and “nothing” 

**tommy** : YEP needing captions for every audio i’ve ever heard YEP

**ranboo** : TRUE!

**ranboo** : i rely on closed captioning so hard

**wilbur** : dog is having a bit of a riot at the minute

**tommy** : what is dog doing wilbur

**wilbur** : she’s on the floor floor she loves to dance so give her more more

**ranboo** : is she wearing a bandana again

**wilbur** : yes obviously. that’s a dumb question

**techno** : i think if i ever tried to get floof to wear a bandana he would drown in it

**techno** : little guy small fry

**ranboo** : floof is so powerful dude

**ranboo** : will you ask him how it feels to be the most powerful being in the universe

**tommy** : aren’t you god

**ranboo** : no; that’s only if god were still alive, but alas, gods can bleed and so they can die, and thus robin williams lays dead in his grave until the next apocalypse

**wilbur** : damn i don’t know what i expected to get from texting ranboo but it wasn’t that

**tubbo** : why are you surprised literally everyone here is a theater kid to some degree

**tommy** : what the fuck

**tommy** : i’m not a fucking theater kid

**techno** : you have a hamilton poster next to your bed

**tommy** : you quote the art of war even out of character

**wilbur** : GET HIS ASS

**techno** : touché

**tubbo** : wow so true bestie...

**tommy** : tubbo shut the fuck up

**ranboo** : the first time tubbo called me bestie i had a visceral reaction 

**ranboo** : he’s turning into stan twitter. first it was the kinnie talk and now he’s calling everyone bestie 

**wilbur** : soon he’ll be tweeting about how much he misses technoblade 2 minutes after a stream ends

**tommy** : i will mute you tubbo

**tubbo** : you wouldn’t dare

**tommy** : is that a challenge?

**tubbo** : bring it 

**tommy** : i’ll wipe the floor with your weeping body tubbo

**tubbo** : i’ll force feed you axe deodorant

**tommy** : WOAH WHAT THE FUCK

**ranboo** : DUDE WHAT

**wilbur** : HOOOOLY SHIT

**techno** : TOO FAR

**ranboo** : holy cow man he just called you a slur 

**techno** : don’t just stand there and take it tommy

 **tubbo** : i’m sorry for slur slinging will you please forgive me

 **wilbur** : ¿meperd0n as?

 **ranboo** : ¿meperd0n as?

 **techno** : ¿meperd0n as?

 **tommy** : ¿meperd0n as?

 **tubbo** : ¿meperd0n as?

 **ranboo** : when’s the twitlonger Bestie Best Friend Parasocial Relationship My Beloved

 **tubbo** : twitlonger coming to you live........... never. i don’t regret it.

 **wilbur** : HOLY SHIT?

 **techno** : LMAOO

 **tubbo** : @tommyinnit eat shit

 **tommy** : what the fuck.

 **ranboo** : L

 **tubbo** : die by my hands, gayass


	2. gwa gwa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentally ill

February 5th, 10:27 p.m.

**tommy** : i think that listening to welcome to eden on repeat will prove detrimental to my mental health in the near future but for now i’m going to continue staring at my ceiling

**wilbur** : welcome to eden is quite the nice song. i could go for a listen right now

**tommy** : welcome to eden is like awawa i am the bad guy who shits and gets on all fours and screams and skitters around the tiled kitchen like a tiny dumb stupid rodent

**techno** : isn’t that song about being the snake

**techno** : at least make a snake analogy dude

**tommy** : not good with analogies. they involve a need for a solid grasp of identity and i lost that back in 1982 when i sold my soul to a pizza franchise

**tubbo** : what the fuck is the deal with identities dude

**tommy** : that word is funny because it almost has the word titties in it

**wilbur** : stop talking

**tommy** : good idea

**techno** : concept of solid identity is myth. do drug; shoot gun.

**tommy** : blade you are ever so eloquent

**tubbo** : what does that mean

**wilbur** : tommy doesn’t know

**tommy** : i don’t know

**techno** : pain.

**ranboo** : everything revolving around my identity i cycle through trying to convince myself that it is or isn’t an actual fact about me

**wilbur** : my mind is a constant war zone like DAMN DOES THIS BITCH EVER SHUT UP!!! and the answer is no

**tommy** : last night while i was writing shit down i somehow convinced myself that all of my friends hate me but then i fell asleep at 7 am and all was well

**tommy** : i spent my night like “damn, i really annoy everyone huh. i should use more detailed words.”

**techno** : i sit in my bed contemplating if i have a personality or if i just put it on for other people but then i remember that subway sandwiches exist and then i start thinking about that instead

**wilbur** : i hope you all know that you are all super fucking cool and some of the funniest people i have ever met and i love talking with you all because you make me very happy and being around you all is a blessing from god and i may sound like i am joking right now but i genuinely love you all very much and i want you to know that

**tommy** : oh

**techno** : theoretically i could start crying but i don’t think my mind has processed that properly yet

**tubbo** : i love you too wilbur! :D

**wilbur** : <3

**ranboo** : thanks wilbur also what is a contraction

**ranboo** : oh wait

**techno** : words with apostrophes

**tommy** : I THOUGHT THAT WAS A MATH TERM

**tubbo** : tommy dumbass hours

**tommy** : I FORGOT SAM WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM OVER

**tommy** : AND OUR STAIRS ARE SO CREAMY

**tommy** : CREAKY

**tommy** : I MEXNT TO TUOE CREAKY.

**techno** : i am now laughing in the kitchen and phil heard me and is now observing me as i laugh at 1:18 am with a half eaten tortilla in hand

**ranboo** : is it a good tortilla

**techno** : probably would have been better if it was anything other than plain but yeah it’s pretty good

**wilbur** : i’m not quite sure why but ranboo focusing on technoblade’s tortilla is really making me laugh right now

**wilbur** : ranboo you’re a funny lad

**tubbo** : true!

**tubbo** : ranboob why are you funny i think i will have to confiscate that from you

**ranboo** : no please

**ranboo** : why am i funny

**ranboo** : uhhhhhhh

**techno** : lol

**ranboo** : we don’t want to get into why i’m funny

**tommy** : ranboo haven’t you made jokes about traumatized = funny before

**ranboo** : yes i make them regularly

**wilbur** : y’know i was about to say that i’m funny without being traumatized but i’m mentally ill so i think i’m going to have to take a step back trom this one

**techno** : someone severely traumatized ranboo and he went “oh ho ho i know what i’m going to do with this new mental development” and now we all suffer from the Memory Boy (trademarked)

**tubbo** : Memory Boy (derogatory)

**ranboo** : LMAOO

**ranboo** : about once every two months i remember the things i never coped with but then i mentally block them again and then nothing changes

**wilbur** : well that’s not exactly the right spirit to have but it sure is a spirit!

**techno** : spirit...

**techno** : like the voices

**techno** : you know what? i sure do make a whole lot of jokes about hearing voices for someone who is constantly at war between their critical thinking skills and Monkey Brain brain

**ranboo** : the voices are for everyone do not worry

**wilbur** : even for the monkeyest of brains!

**techno** : no i meant that my conscience battles itself but i still joke about voices as if i don’t either have several conflicting thought processes or nothing at all going on in my brain

**ranboo** : OHH

**ranboo** : yeah no i thought you meant that monky brain is too small to comprehend The Voices

**wilbur** : monky brain. i like that.

**techno** : monky’s paw curls

**tommy** : fucking nerd

**wilbur** : i read that book in eighth grade english

**ranboo** : yeah no tommy the monkey’s paw is basic eighth grade curriculum

**techno** : i was going to leave the kitchen but then i remembered that all i’ve eaten in the past 24 hours has been the tortilla and also a frozen waffle i ate at 6 am before i passed out

**tommy** : off topic but i read that as leave the country anyways that is not safe please make yourself something to eat big man

**tubbo** : oh to leave the country.. perhaps you could eat something besides the whitest of breads and chilliest of waffuls

**tubbo** : walfools

**tubbo** : how the hell do i spell this

**tubbo** : wavvles

**tubbo** : what the fuck.

**tommy** : (waffles)

**tubbo** : (OH)

**wilbur** : TECHNOBLADE.

**ranboo** : uh ohh

**techno** : i sense i have made a mistake of some kind

**tubbo** : technoblade /danger

**tommy** : lawl. run

**techno** : yep there is someone knocking at my door very loudly

**techno** : we leave!


End file.
